Nerves and planning
Thursday, November 16th, 2006So I leave my job December 1 2006.
I hope the nerves don’t get any worse than this. I suppose it feels like jumping off a cliff into the river below. You know you’re going to land in the water, you know the rush of exhiliration you will experience from the freedom of giving up your fear. However until you have jumped, that fear remains. I feel like I have been standing at the top for two weeks now and don’t know if I can stand six more. When I handed in my notice that was my ‘point of no return’. Like Marty McFly it’s back to the future or bust.
Having this time allows preparation for legalities like customs, registration and insurance. It boggles the mind that life is so tied up in filling out forms that it may be harder getting permission to do the trip than actually do it. Again fear creeps into the background. What if we get turned back at the border, what if we run out of money to pay for visas, what if someone catches us doing something illegal. Rationality plays no part in fear. However it can control it somewhat. I have no shortage of fear. Maybe this is a healthy thing. Until the time for action has come however, I am stuck in an extended state of panic. What do I pack, how much is too much, do I need more money, why haven’t I organised the remaining 4 months in South America?
As a perfectionist at heart, I can maintain an aloof pretence of being relaxed and calm about the trip unfolding. Yet the cold truth is sometimes I can’t sleep at night because of the stress of something going wrong. The real truth is life wasn’t made to be perfect. If we wanted everything ‘perfect’ and ‘comfortable’ we could just pay a tour company to escort us. The dirty, sad and difficult moments are always the most memorable. They had better be worth this torture!
I met a girl this week. It is one of life’s great ironies that good things come at once. When those good things are mutually exclusive.